‘Wapi kaka?!’…‘Mikocheni KFC pale.Wait…Yeah! around that place…Ummm! Wait! No, wait -God damn it! Make up your mind already – Don’t go yet, bro!…Ummm to hell with it! Take me to Elements!’…’Poapoa’.
We cruised like a Venom GT, and before I knew it I was standing before a club bouncer. Damn this guy was big. Big, tall, buff, and dark skinned. Looked scary too, but still, big! He must have been from Mara, he looked like one – not shade aimed at my Mara people. Y’all are awesome – So I intimidatedly started approaching him while pumping up myself that I at least look like somebody to this gigantic buff black piece of a man. ‘Shingapi bob?’ I inquired…‘Twenty k’…‘Acha hizo man. It’s ten. It’s always ten k. I know it, and everyone here knows it’…‘Sasa, why would you ask me if you know the price already?’…‘Si uhakika bob! Ikishuka je nitajuaje?’…‘Ebu pita kule’…SMH! 😤 So this is how you talk to a customer. What is this that I’m made a victim of? This man should have been fired already. Imma report his ass to the manager. Worse still, Imma file a lawsuit on his ass – shit you tell yourself when intoxicated-…Lord save me!
Elements was different on that day. It was kinda lit but not entirely. Was packed too, just like any other Saturday, but in my eyes, it wasn’t. Well, it always does seem like that when you go alone, something I overlooked that day. SHAME!🙄 Lads just a piece of advice. Don’t you ever go to a nightclub alone! It is boring and such a struggle. It is the very definition of social suicide.
Don’t torture yourself like my crazy did. Please don’t! Always back yourself up with your squad. Otherwise, no one will want to talk or dance with you for the first impression always matters, and people will judge you based on the people you surround yourself with. ‘But Clev what if I got no friends free on that day and I really wanna turn up’ you ask? Or ‘what if I got no friends at all for that matter?’ Exactly my point, who would wanna dance with a stand alone creep with no friends.
Truth is there’s power in numbers’; Your pals will boost your confidence, will dance with you and most importantly take care of your drunk ass. God knows the kind of shit you could get yourself into when intoxicated…If you in VIP section, however, then yeah. They will follow you and beg to dance with you. But if you are a broke college student like myself, don’t play yourself.
So what’s the ideal number of a squad? Well, it doesn’t really matter -coming from an incompetent person in this specific area- just make sure you have at least two people with you. One who could also serve as your very personal Uber driver is the one who doesn’t drink. This one will take care of your ass before the masses. Another one is a drinking buddy and a personalised wingman. Well or wing woman for that matter. This one will have your back when you both embarrass yourselves before your potential suitors for the day and have all the drinking games with, something you will obviously regret about on the next day when your dead-ass hungover.
Speaking of hangovers, damn! Lord knows how hard they can hit you. They will sometimes hit you so hard that you will be praying to your God -whoever that is- and giving all sorta fake promises if he or she (maybe it) were to get rid of it for you. Kids don’t drink beyond your limits! Don’t play drinking games having had a pre-game before hitting the club. Just don’t! 😞…SAD LIFE! THHAAAD LIF’…
Mr Edward Christopher Sheeran tells us the club isn’t a better place to find a lover, a bar is. But here I was immersing myself in this group of the most deprived and stressed youth who now hate themselves for they hate their jobs and their lives, and all they wanna do is blow some steam. Well that, and the fact that in this degenerate generation of ours one is only considered woke and lit if you do exactly what am about to. The world we live in, SMH!.🤦🏽♂️
Where do I even start? A club like this can look like a football arena if one is alone. So I agitatedly move around trying to have a conversation with different people, most of whom cannot hear a thing from my mouth, for reasons I still don’t know. Is it that the music was too loud or I was too drunk to speak articulately? Either way, I will blame my loner ass for not bringing a wingman. Or woman for that matter.
‘Hey, I know you!’ she said excitedly. ‘You’re Clevance right?’…I was so shook but didn’t want her to notice. So I scuffled my way near her and stood still while looking straight in her eyes, and then replied ‘Oh yeah! Yes, I am. And what’s your supposedly beautiful name, my lady?’…Lord! Save me now. What is this that am saying? Touché Clev! Touché!…’Bruh! How much have you had for a drink? It’s me, Brian. I was a year ahead of you at Feza Boys’…At this point, I will just leave it like that. Like what the hell was I thinking. Imma just stop. 🤦🏽♂️
‘Ooh yeah. Of course! Brian. How are you doing my brother? Really sorry about that’…’You good. Stick with me, before you cause more trouble’…Thank God that this guy was here. I don’t know what I would have done.
A little while after, the mood just changed. Every other song was more lit than the previous. Jidenna’s Classic man! Justin’s Sorry! I don’t wanna live forever! Wizkid’s Daddy Yo! Skin Tight! Mad over you! Davido’s fall! Damn this Disc Jockey was on a roll.
To my surprise, I managed to dance with quite a number. Well, thanks to my crazy dance moves; the one that gets activated when my crazy ass gets wasted. Crazy moves bless up! VODKA bless up! WHISKEY bless up! TEQUILA bless up! And lastly and most importantly NYAGI bless up! Would also say wine, but Tanzanian (from Dodoma) wine sucks balls.
Landed me a dime even. Well, was too drunk to realise, but I bet she was the one who approached me. Who cares though?…So here we were, one leg in and I follow. Leg out and I am onto it. I gotta give it to her, this lady could dance! She was always almost a step ahead. I couldn’t keep up. It went like so until Vybz Kartel’s Fever was played. I couldn’t lose to this one. All those Afro-parties in the US had prepared me for this very moment.
We were so in sync as though we had danced as a duo for two years now. Every minute detail was right on. Right on track to the very end. She was smiling her ass off after the song that I could see all her thirty-two teeth. Gosh! She had a beautiful smile. Well good but not as good as Queen Hatshepsut’s. That Goddess was blessed in each and every way.
‘Hey, when are we going?’…Utterly confused about what she was just talking about, I inquired for more…’I mean when are you taking me home?’…’Oh! Really?! I mean you should have said so’…🤦🏽♂️ I was so disappointed with her taste in men. I mean why would you go for me? A girl that beautiful should be going home with Idris Elba and the like. Not me. Like, why would you go with me? Why? You should have seen the girl. She was the very definition of out of this world. The only person more attractive than her would be Queen Hatshepsut. But who knows, beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder.
Queen Hatshepsut though! Oh Lord Queen Hatshepsut! Don’t even get me started here. Bless the progenitors that engendered this Goddess! Her touch! OMG, those hands! The bliss of her touch defies every adjective, and it is very unfortunate that I cannot explain well enough how good the feeling was.
So we hit the Bajaj and made a remarkably swift drive to my place. Well, it might not have been as fast, it’s just we kissed our way back and was too busy to realise. Before I knew it we were in my room. She wanted to get down to business right away. I don’t know when was the last time this girl engaged. I mean she all over my business, but I just wanted to sleep. I was too tired after spending the day with Queen Hatshepsut. All I wanted to see and could think at that very moment and time was Queen Hatshepsut.
She pushed me on the bed and aggressively started kissing me. Well, more like licking my face like all drunk people would, and I did not like it at all. It was not the kissing or licking that I did not like. It’s just that my mind was somewhere else. My mind was just thinking of Queen Hatshepsut.‘Wait! STOP!… I am sorry I can’t do this.’ … ‘The hell? You think you too good for me?
‘Wait! STOP!… I am sorry I can’t do this.’ I told her…‘The hell? You think you too good for me? Boy, I just ended up with you out of pity’…‘It ain’t like that jamani! It’s just that I can’t do this because I like someone else. I am really sorry for your time’…She hurriedly picked up her stuff and showed herself out. She did all those without saying a word. I get the feeling though, and I really respect the fact that she was deeply understanding about this.
Now that she was gone I didn’t know what to do. With my mind hopelessly roaming about the last day’s events, I was taken away and started reminiscing about all the things I did or could do with Queen Hatshepsut. Oh, Queen Hatshepsut! At the event! And the bar! Her room. Until she decided to cut it short. Why did she pull out real quick though? I mean, what was it exactly? Did I do something wrong? What is my kiss that she didn’t like? Or was it the fact that she realised that I was a mistake, that I didn’t deserve to slide in? It can’t be though. I mean she was laughing at my jokes. Laughed at my knock knock jokes even. The ones hated by everyone. Yeah, those ones. Wait chill! What if she was fake-laughing? Or laughing at my stupid ass and how stupid I looked telling the jokes rather than my jokes? What if that? What if this?…I really didn’t like where this was going. I still don’t.😕
Queen Hatshepsut! I hope we meet again sometime. I JUST HOPE.