You’ll soon join the dots. 

Talent appreciation: This one is from my inspirational Kenyan brother. His very engaging style and his use of colloquial language will leave you with laughter, and most importantly inspired. Be sure to also check him @ https://johnmarkkipkoech.wordpress.com

John Mark Kipkoech

Early this year, I attended an interview that was being held at Parklands sports club. I actually received a call from Githinji Mwaura, one of the volunteers who sat in the United World Colleges (UWC) Kenya, national committee. I had to travel all the way from Eldoret; my current town, to Nairobi; my birthplace. I had feelings of both excitement and uncertainty ulternating ruthlessly in my mind. This was actually the first, real interview I was attending. The other ones, the mediocre ones I had attended at school when I was vying for Deputy president, did not appear to be those that had you worked up, stressed out and utterly exhausted.

I boarded the 10 pm bus. I had never travelled late in the night before, so I had to be watchful, owing to the fact that I had heard that some bizarre things usually happen during these travels. My…

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TALENT APPRECIATION: MIDNIGHT SHENINAGANS

This one goes to my friend, my brother, my homie MJ. Told him to focus on coding and singing 😅, atuachie wengine huku… This guy is destined for greatness though. Big up man!!! … Check him out.

MIDNIGHT SHENINAGANS

It almost 1 a.m and you’re about to go to bed, planning to wake up early in the morning so you can at least get to work on time, for once. The dream starts. You are in the same hall you live in, on campus. As you walk down the hallway you pass by several rooms, it’s almost 10 p.m – everyone is about to go to bed. As you pass by one room, in particular, you see your high school crush making her bed. So you stop and scream her name while struggling to understand why she is where she is In the first place. You decide to go with the flow and not question what nature can do. Or how she magically got from Havard to Texas real quick. Her reaction to seeing you does not equate yours. You get in and start asking her how she is. Her room’s lights are dim. Her roommate is already dead asleep. As the two of you whisper about your conversation – she lying in bed and you sitting beside her, the roommate wakes up and looks at the both of you trying to reconnect after being 9 months apart. The roommate is now really pissed and can no longer take it. So the two of you decide to leave her room and go to your room.

She gets up a quarter way naked. Does not have any underclothing on. You cover her up with a blanket as you try to quickly walk away from her rusty roommate. As you get into your room, she says “How the hell do you guys live in such a hell hole!”…“Don’t worry hey, let me get my bed ready for you…”.

No sooner had you finished making the bed than she jumped and slept on it facing the wall. You stared at her sleep while in your mind just thinking of all the things your thirsty self will do to her, taking into account of all the time we haven’t seen each other. You tell yourself to be cool and walk away, and you do so. She holds your hand and then let go, tantalising you to respond to her poisonous seductive call. You turn back and lay on her, your faces just inches away from each other. You ask her “are you sure you want this?” She tilts her head back as if in denial about what her body wants but her mind denies. She says “who are you to say what I want, and what I don’t?”. You kiss her. Holding her jaw-line firmly as if it were an instrument, trying to navigate to her wet lips. It gets intense. She shivers as she satisfies all her thirst from your touch only. She stops, and so do you. The distance between the two of you is still maintained. You look at her face and you say “For Justy?”. Who the hell is Justy??? She smiles and laughs, the same way she always does …. Just so beautiful …..

You wake up, you look at your phone. You see the text …. ‘Get to Havard right now!’… Before you react, you hear your alarm. Well … “Wake up mate”!

Let’s call her Queen Hatshepsut… PART TWO

Queen Hatshepsut was different. Queen Hatshepsut was the one.

CEM 26/05/2017, DSM

I decided to ask her out for a drink. Suggested that we ditch the place right away. Was confident she would be down for it. After all, the seminar was boring and she seemed lonely – NIGGAZ be scared of them pretty ladies hunh! 🤔 I could see it in everyone’s eyes. No one wanted to stay there no longer. Why are some speakers this boring though? SMH!

We had reached at the bar in no time. That Bajaj was flying like no man’s business.

‘Wait! I got it. Lemme pay’ … ‘You know I can’t let you pay’. Acting like a gentleman… ‘What is that supposed to mean? Who dyu take me for? If anything, I might be earning more than you. Boy, don’t piss me off. N’tageuza!’ … BACKFIRED! How did that escalate so fast? Zero to a hundred real quick … I had to let go. Tanzanian feminists are not to be messed around with. They are like no other. They will make your life miserable. After all my BABU has endlessly warned me about them. The man had to live with one for over sixty years for Christ’s sake… Granny I still love you ✊🏽!

Drinks kept on popping and I had nothing to worry about. She was gonna pay for it, wasn’t she? – When that boss lady mentality acts on your way 😉… We tossed to happy lives. We tossed to life and new friends. We tossed to every cliche’ thing you know until we ran out of words. My light head wasn’t helping. I really couldn’t keep up.

‘Pass it to my boss right here, she will handle it all’ … ‘Ahh! We Clevance. What kinda gentleman are you? I am a pretty girl bwana. I need to be taken care of.’ … Arggggh! What’s up with these girls nowadays? Make up your minds … SIGHS… I really need a girl’s mindset translator. I mean wasn’t she the one who trolled me some hours ago for wanting to pay? SMH! 😤.

‘Of course Queen Hatshepsut! What was I thinking? … Dada dyu accept debit cards?’ … Luckily they did… Annnd I’m now not going out for two weeks 🤦🏽‍♂️. CALCULATED RISKS.

‘So what now Queen Hatshepsut?’ … ‘I wanna dance’…’It’s too early. Elements isn’t open for another hour’ … ‘Yeah sure! Okay, take me back to my place. I need to change, can’t dance with heels on’ … OMG YASSS! Now you talking. It would have been super weird if I was to tiptoe to kiss her. I mean if that was to happen in the first place. LOL! Short people probs.

Her room was really tidy. Arranged too. OCD level kinda clean. Had a king sized bed by the wall. Dressing table on the other side. The carpet! OMG!!! What kinda shenanigans is this lady involved with? I mean for a twenty-year-old girl to live in such a nice apartment like this, in Masaki Tanzania, is so unlikely.

Whilst gazing my eyes about the room, she grabbed my shirt, pulled me in and kissed me on the lips … I was shocked. Taken by surprise. Didn’t know what to do. Bruh! I don’t think there was consent here. SHOCKS … Before you know it I was in too. Five minutes. Ten. Thirty… I was getting aggressive, and so was she. It was as if we both had a year long dry spell.

Right from the start, we were in sync. With her, there was no out rhythm kinda kissing. We were resonating at the same wavelength. It’s as if we were made for each other. She felt different. She felt special. One hand on her back head, the other manoeuvring about her back. OMG her back! Did I tell you about her back? You will know she’s a goddess when you can move your hand from her scapular to her buttocks comfortably without any use of force. How much time did the artist himself spend on this masterpiece?

Ohhh, Lord! This girl could kiss… In my head, ‘the things I will do to this goddess’. Kissing with my eyes closed. Didn’t wanna pick as I would do with others. This one was special. I didn’t wanna ruin the moment… All of a sudden she stopped. Moved back a bit. Looked at me straight in the eyes, and nodded … What happened? Did I do anything wrong? … SCARED… SHOOK … ‘Are you alright?’ … ‘No… Yeah… I mean I’m more than good. I like where this is going.’ … ‘I’m glad you do. I really like it too Queen Hatshepsut.’ … ‘But …’ … ‘Ohhh NO! I hate buts. SAY NO MORE! Let’s just continue’. My horny ass had taken over. I wasn’t thinking straight.

‘You know what Queen Hatshepsut? You’re right. I really like you, and I don’t want this to be like any other one night stand.’ … ‘So you sleep around a lot, hunh?’ … ‘I didn’t mean that Queen Hatshepsut! You know, you are really special to me. Messing up is the last thing I would want to happen.’ … ‘Clev you good. Stress not! … I wanna take a nap now. And I don’t think Elements is happening anymore. You can go without me though.’ … Clearly, this was a test. MHH! … ‘I’m quite exhausted myself. I think I will head home now.’

We kissed goodbye, and I was off!

‘Wapi kaka?!’ … ‘Mikocheni KFC … Ummm! No wait. Take me to Elements’.

TO BE CONTINUED …

 

 

TALENT APPRECIATION: BART’S SAD LIFE

This goes to my one and only talented young brother Justin, who is only 12 right now and doing amazing things already. This kid is destined for greatness, Ayiii! Check him out.

BART’S SAD LIFE

My name is Bart Henry. I am a punching bag to others. I am an aberration. I am a disposable human being.

I am going to tell you about my life from the beginning. It all started when I was born, my mom had cancer and she died a few days later. Then my father followed. He got shot in the head when I was six years old. Before I knew it I lost all my family members.

I was an orphan for about five years, that until someone adopted me. I had lived with him for as long as I can remember. He loved and hated me at the same time. I was scared, really scared, but happy. The worst times was when he was drunk. I hated it when he did that.

At school, all my classmates stunned me because I wasn’t popular. Older kids used to beat me up. Crying was my everyday ritual. I had been bullied for like eight years. When I turned twenty years old, I suffered from a mental illness. Must have been all that bullying I got. I was taken to REHAB. The only people that used to visit me were my imaginary friends.

After a few years, my illness got better and I was free to go. In the age 36, I still kept on getting threatening messages from strangers saying ‘I will kill you, I promise!’. I got so scared that I starting thinking to myself saying, ‘if people don’t like me, then what’s the point of living’. I picked up a knife and started counting. Three…two… one…

Before I knew it I was in the hospital. I was told I had remained with only one kidney. I had stabbed the other one… While in the hospital, the only people visiting me were my imaginary friends. I cried and bled. Days passed.

I one day had a heart attack. They said my stress had caused it. Was breathing heavily. On my last breath, I saw the light. I WAS DEAD. I was later on buried by the same people who hated me. How nice? They had tossed my coffin as if it was a ball. They took pictures and posted them online. The only friends who came to the funeral were my imaginary friends.

Advice to my young self in another dimension and all of you. Be happy with what you have. Spend time with those you love, and actually, care about. Before you know it they will all be in and out without even noticing.

JUSTIN

26/05/2017

Let’s call her Queen Hatshepsut

CEM 25/05/2017, DSM

I opened my eyes hoping that it was only a dream. Ohh, Lord! Plz, let it all be a dream. I did not go out yesterday. I did not drink my ass off until my kidneys cried out for mercy. I did not end up with a one-night stand whose name I don’t even recall. Ohh, Lord! Have mercy.

‘Babyy! You up already? I have been waiting for you… I woke up a little early. And have been staring at your cute face ever since. You know you’re cuter when asleep than normally would.’… WTH! What a creep! Who stares at someone’s face for over two hours. Girl! You know that meant nothing to me right? I hope you do.

But Lord! Why didn’t you let it be just a dream? Now I have to deal with this one. Offload her before everyone is up. They will start calling me a manwhore after all these one night stands. In my defence though, I never asked for this. I mean the market is super tight nowadays. And nobody got time for dinner dates every other Friday, in hopes of finding the one after six months. To be honest with you though, it’s all about the economics of sex. Simply put, I need occasional sex but can’t afford it via the long route following relationships. So would rather immerse myself with that 4k NYAGI, 10k for club’s entrance fee, 20k for the CAB round trip, and I’m ready to go.

‘Ohh yeah?! How sweet of you? So how dyu feel now?’

‘I am doing fine thanks for asking. You are so sweet… PLZ marry me! Be my husband? I need a husband like you.’…After seeing my face she was like, ‘Just joking bwana! But Ohhh Lord! That was good. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You really good at it. And sweet. And with dancing, Ohh Lord! Don’t get me started.’

I smirked. Looking at her straight in the eyes, while petting her hair. Credits to her hair though. This goddess had it good. It was really long and natural. Smelled good too.

‘You know I didn’t like you when I first saw you. I mean you’re cute and all, but you ain’t my type’… She was clearly referring to my height. FUCK MY 5’6 stature!…’But after dancing to you with that Kenzo’s song (kamatia). Bruh! I didn’t wanna let go. Hivi ni pro-dancer au?’

‘NAH! I am actually really bad when sober. I guess it’s one of those talents that needs drinking for activation.’

‘Can I ask for one more thing?’…Me: ‘Morning s** au??’…’NO!!! Hell NO! I have had enough. That was enough for the whole month … I just wanted to have a shower with you. I have been fantasizing about it for long.’…’Hizi movies zatuharibu ati. Damn you HOLLYWOOD!… Let’s go lakini’… We ended up with another session in the shower and back in the bed.

Called a CAB for her, and she was gone. I had to take a two hour nap to reassemble my system.

Two hours later, I was on my bed looking at my phone screen. Trying to catch up quickly and answer all the texts, emails and missed calls. Whilst doing that, I started reminiscing about earlier yesterday. Reminiscing about a girl who had my heart pinned for the first time, from the first sight of hers. Reminiscing our first awkward acquaintance to our first kiss and all the things we ended up doing. Crazy that all that can happen in one day. God, I love my life!!! SOMETIMES.

Right from the start, I knew she was different. She was the one. I mean I have been around, and I have seen a lot BUT there was no one like her. EVEN CLOSE. God, she was hot! This one was all I have been looking for all these years. This one was all a guy can ask for. This one can make a guy change his religion, disown his family and abandon his kids. This one is worth a thousand pages of description. This one was the one. She was definitely the one.

‘You’re Clevance!’….’Yeah! How dyu know me?’. Acting all defensive…’Instagram!’ took a step forward and continued ‘I’m that ******* you have been liking her pics’…. ‘Ohhhhh!’…’Yeah!!!’….’You look different in person’….She frowned. Looked at me straight in the eyes, as though she was demanding for further clarification…’OMG! NO NO – I meant you look much better in person. You should fire your photographer already.’

Phew, what a save!

Not so fast… Before I could do anything, we were hit with another awkward moment. I was stuck and so was she. All standing in a desultory fashion. Staring at her, and her doing the same. It was as if we were in a staring contest. I have been in such situations a lotta times though – I know I’m weird like that –  so this was nothing, I was definitely more than prepared for the challenge.

Laughsss …. ‘What are you doing? Ohhh boy you are one of those’.

That hit me hard. I mean you finally meet the most beautiful girl, alluring, stylish and elegant, and there I am doing nothing. The girl initiated the convo for Pete’s sake – that never happens to me 🤷🏽‍♂️ . DAMN YOU INACTIVE AND DEPRIVED BRAINS. Do something! Say anything!

She freaking approached me! Did I say this never happens to me? SAD LIFE. I am about to screw this up, ain’t I? Anyways, it wouldn’t be the first time.

‘Ain’t you gonna say anything? CLEVANCE!?!’…’Listen ***’. Let’s call her Queen Hatshepsut for now. The girl got that Queen Hatshepsut vibes if doesn’t supersede her. GEEKY STUFFS 🤦🏽‍♂️. ‘Listen Queen Hatshepsut! I have never met a girl as beautiful as you are, so I guess this is me acting like a star-struck teenager meeting his/her celebrity crush.’…’You are cute!’…Ohhh shit! It’s happening. (Victory Dance)

In my little to nothing years, I have been lucky to meet a lot of people. Have acquainted with quite a number. It has reached a point where I get called with people I don’t recognize – I know, impressive -; but never have I met a girl like Queen Hatshepsut.

Queen Hatshepsut was different. Queen Hatshepsut was the one.

TO BE CONTINUED …

The prison of our own design

It’s that time of the year. Finals are here, and my super motivated self from the beginning of the semester is nowhere to be found. And now, procrastination has had the best of me. So, what do I distract myself with? You guessed right. I google the first thing in my mind – why people cheat? Not so fast. You will be surprised with the number of articles, research papers and blogs that are written on the topic. I got 44,000,000 results to be exact. Seems like something that a lot of people care about. More than ‘why am I such a loser?’ which gave 27,900,000 results.

Anywho, back to the point. So why do people cheat?

We all are aware of the famous joke of all time, right? Moses comes down and says, ‘I have got good news and bad news. The good news is I got him down to ten, and the bad news is “adultery” stays’… If you haven’t got the joke, this article is not for you. READ NO MORE! I will not be responsible for the next three to five minutes of your life that you’re about to lose.

Why would students, teams, politicians or couples cheat? Why do they cheat in situations with little to gain than losing? Why, in other words, would one break a rule that they were specifically warned about beforehand? Well, before I mislead you in any way, I am going to limit this piece to non-marriage relationships kind of cheating, and it should in no way be matched to my identity and beliefs. Everything is purely based on research. I mean a fifteen-minute research to be exact.

At a surface level, it seems as if people cheat because they are unaware of the exclusivity discourse that the relationship entails, they find the other person desirable, they are seeking for what they are not getting in their relationship, they are seeking for materialistic opportunities (with boss, professor or T.A), it’s in their genes, for payback reasons, or simply because they are just addicted. However, research shows otherwise. In fact, it is more psychological than one might realise, and of course, applies differently to men as it does to women.

Research shows that women cheat because of mere disappointment from their counterparts and the relationship at large. So they use cheating as a way of ending the relationship by making the man end it. Others argue that they cheat so as to fix their relationship, with the belief that the guilt from it will act as a reassuring factor to keep their feelings in check. Sometimes they meet someone who is a lot more caring and remembers their birthday (guys please don’t forget your girlfriend’s birthday! with google calendar and facebook in place, there’s literally no excuse).

When it comes to men, research suggests that their cheating is linked to the need for control more than not. This issue is especially common among men who are financially dependent on their girlfriends. The trend persists when there’s performance anxiety at bed or when it comes down to just casual flirting. It can also be seen when there is a need for re-assurance as far as masculinity is on the check, to state the least.

Of course, this problem is bigger than stated above, and there is no way I could address it wholesomely in an article as short as this. My main intent is to trigger a debate amongst my readers (friends) or just a chain of thought to independent thinkers. Please feel free to reach out if you’ve got suggestions, critiques or any rebuttal.

In the spirit of the biblical narrative that we all know by heart, LET US SWEAR ALLEGIANCE to the seventh of the ten commandments – ‘Though shalt not commit adultery’.

~Cem~ 05/05/2017

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